An anonymous reader asked:

“How do you deal with sex addiction and thinking about sex 24/7? I struggle with it and it is incorporated into a lot of aspects in my life. I can’t ever seem to shake the urge or want for sex, or thoughts of sex.”

First of all: thank you for asking this.

Because I have a feeling you’re not the only person wondering this—and you’re probably not the only person who’s been too embarrassed to say it.

Let’s talk about sex.

Not the cute, flirty, “I want you” version of sex.

Let’s talk about when sex starts taking up so much space in your head that you feel like you can’t turn the volume down.

There is a difference between having a high sex drive and feeling like you’re controlled by your sexual thoughts or urges.

Some people simply have a naturally high libido. They think about sex often, enjoy sex often, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that.

But if you’re constantly thinking about sex, seeking it out even when you don’t really want to, using it to escape uncomfortable emotions, or feeling like you can’t control your behavior—and it’s starting to interfere with your relationships, work, finances, responsibilities, or your own peace of mind—that’s a different conversation.

And that doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It means something deserves your attention.

So what do you actually do about it?

Start by getting curious instead of getting ashamed.

When the urge hits, ask yourself:

“What am I actually looking for right now?”

Is it sex?

Or is it comfort?

Attention?

Validation?

Connection?

Stress relief?

Boredom?

Escape?

Sometimes the behavior isn’t really about the thing we’re chasing. Sometimes it’s about the feeling we hope that thing will give us.

And I’m not saying every sexual thought needs to become a psychological investigation. 😂

Sometimes you just want sex.

That’s allowed.

The goal isn’t to become a person who never thinks about sex again. That would be a pretty miserable goal for most of us.

The goal is to get to a place where you have a choice.

You can notice the urge without automatically obeying it.

You can have a sexual thought without turning it into an entire afternoon of scrolling, fantasizing, messaging, searching, or acting on it.

And if you notice that certain situations consistently send you into that cycle—being lonely at night, feeling rejected, drinking, scrolling certain content, fighting with a partner, feeling stressed—pay attention to that.

Those patterns are information.

And here’s something I really want you to hear:

You do not need to hate your sexuality in order to get control of it.

Your sexuality isn’t the enemy.

Wanting sex isn’t something you need to apologize for.

Having fantasies doesn’t make you dirty.

Having a high libido doesn’t make you “too much.”

But if your sexual thoughts or behaviors are making you feel trapped, out of control, ashamed, or like they’re running your life, you deserve support.

A therapist who understands compulsive sexual behavior can help you figure out what’s happening underneath the behavior without shaming you for having sexual feelings in the first place.

And honestly, sometimes the bravest thing you can do is admit:

“I don’t actually like how much control this has over me.”

That’s not weakness.

That’s awareness.

So to the person who sent this in anonymously:

You aren’t disgusting.

You aren’t broken.

And you don’t have to become less sexual to become more in control of your life.

Start paying attention to the difference between wanting something and feeling like you have to have it.

That’s where the conversation gets really interesting.

And if you’ve been quietly wondering the same thing?

You’re not alone.

We’re talking about the things people are sometimes too nervous to say out loud.

This is one of them.